How to deal with fixation towards an old relationship?
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Now I can't stop checking my messages on the phone to see if she has replied. I know this is fixation but just don't know how to deal with it. What could be a way out of this?
Not much else to do other than to be mindful of it. You see the mind works in the way of habits. The more time spent on something, e.g. thinking about the past or future, that will incline the mind more towards that direction.
When being mindful of the (compulsive) thinking process it will interrupt it. Instead of enforcing the feed-back loop, mindfulness will momentarily break it.
Since we are working with habits, the mind will soon fall into this way of thinking about past and future again when mindfulness is absent. That's when one must apply mindfulness again. When doing this over and over the mind will slowly begin to incline itself towards that direction - the direction of mindfulness, wakefulness and clarity of mind. When that happens compulsive thinking will stop. It cannot go on since it's not being fed anymore. There's no fuel to burn.
In short, just be mindful of these thoughts when they happen. Do that again and again until you can be free from them. That is the only way one can go about this.
Pinning them down with willpower will only suppress them and cause them to erupt violently later. Shifting attention away from them will only bring temporarily relief.
If you want to become free from them for good, you need to observe them with mindfulness until they change, become exhausted and pass away.
May you be well and happy.
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Buddhism teaches a lasting relationship has four mutual qualities, here: AN 4.55.
It appears obviously both of you do not share these qualities therefore your fixation with the old relationship is unrealistic or deluded. More here.
In summary, simply reflect you are not meant for each other.
Also, since she was previously mad at you, obviously you did something really bad. Buddhism teaches such evil deeds lead to 'hell' (read here and MN 130) therefore one should acknowledge their evil deeds and vow to never commit them again. Such thinking will remove the heedless smug unrepentant fixation from your mind.
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