Devotion to parents

Don't worry you are not a bad daughter. But the thing that you should understand is, how the world works. If you do good it will return as good, if you do bad it will return as bad.

How to identify the good and bad? If you do or think something which will arouse raga (greed, sensuality, desire),dvesha (hatred, aversion, anger, hostility, ill will) or Moha (ignorance, bewilderment, confusion, stupidity, delusion) then it's a bad thing. This is according to the core buddhism.

As a daughter what you can do? Do what ever you want but always try not to arouse raga, dvesha or moha.

The most important thing you should do is if you pay mother, the aarya (noble) maithree it will do the best for you and her. And I've seen many people have get the successful results out of this, including myself.

How you do it

Daily 20-30 mins (if you can do more then do) think this to your self (close your eyes as it helps to concentrate more). You and your parents may attain Nivana (enlightment). Wish this so deeply. Add what ever the necessary facts like things they do good for you and in return you are wishing them Nivana. As Nivana is the only place anyone can get the ultimate happiness. So basically you are wishing them happiness, no matter the way you get treated.

And as mentioned by Buddha if anyone kill a parent its going to be very bad karma (anantarya papa) that can't get escaped. When someone eat poison with or without knowing that it is poison he is going to suffer. Like that the nature is dangerous no matter we know it or not it behaves the way as it supposed to be. So only thing we can be happy about is Nivana. That's why wishing that (the best thing in this universe) to someone who treat you unpleasant will return you good things.

Believe me, this will make you and your mother's life better. To get results you might need to do this one to two months. (And do not stop there keep continuing...!)

With Metta!

Why is only devotion to mother important? What about father? I think both parents should be respected, we should listen and think about their advice, but also make decisions about our life by ourselves.

I think there is a problem with your mother accommodating to the fact that you have your own family and responsibilities. Sincere talk with her may help in this matter, I hope. Metta.

If your choices are skillful and wholesome wether your mother's reaction to these, be joy or grief, is based on her karma. Now, the relationships you have to your mother and your son both involve personal and cultural dynamics, so the intricacies of finding out what is truly skillful is not easy.

First of all, one should be grateful to have harmonious relationships with their parents. Not everybody in the world is lucky to have this. Your mother may be coming from a good place but does not realize that you are an adult and not a child anymore.

Secondly, have a heart to heart conversation with your mother explaining that you are an adult now responsible for your own household (assuming you live in a nuclear family) and would like to take your own decisions. Do follow it up by saying that you are grateful for all she has done for you and always value it and in the future happy to be of service to your parents. Also, that you will always listen to her, give wise consideration to her advice, but will decide on your own what is good for your family. Reassure that she has brought you up well and that you are capable of taking skillful decisions.

If she is a Buddhist, you can mention that everyone is responsible for their own Kamma eventually as mentioned in this Sutta (https://suttacentral.net/an5.57/en/sujato):

‘I am the owner of my deeds and heir to my deeds. Deeds are my womb, my relative, and my refuge.

I shall be the heir of whatever deeds I do, whether good or bad.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this.

Hope this answer helps.

There is a sutra translation here on the difficulty of repaying the kindness of one's parents. Parts of it are quite funny

Yet, if using his right shoulder a son carried his father and with his left shoulder he carried his mother for thousands of years even while they defecate on his back, and did so without any resentment toward his parents, then this son has still not sufficiently repaid the kindness of his parents.

Though it may not directly answer your question regarding finding independence, it may shift your mother's perception of arrogance to one of compassion.

I have read that there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there [on your shoulders], you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world. But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father.

I have also read that on one occasion a thought arose to Sariputta as he was thinking about his mother; "Although she is the mother of seven Arahats she has no faith in the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha."

Furthermore he thought: "If I now remain indifferent, people will say: 'Sariputta has been a helper to so many others; on the day, for instance, when he preached the Discourse to the Deities of Tranquil Mind a large number of devas attained Arahatship, and still more of them penetrated to the first three Paths; and on other occasions there were many who attained to stream-entry, and there thousands of families who were reborn in heavenly worlds after the Elder had inspired them with joyous confidence in the Triple Gem. Yet despite this he cannot remove the wrong views of his own mother? Thus people may speak of me. Therefore I shall free my mother from her wrong views, and shall have my final passing away in the very chamber where I was born."

No, you're not. Because you want to be independent and every household or family has different setting. Everybody knows that. If you do not take care your family and let your mother runs your family, will your family operate how it should be? I don't think so. You need not only to be kind to your mother but also to your own family, namely, your husband and your children. They are your family, are they happy? It's best to sit and talk about it. Something happened to you in the past, you realize this and do not want your children to experience it, there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you know better way of living or in conducting things.

It's not black and white or good and bad. You can explain it to your mother, your mother definitely want you and your family to be happy. Maybe she is accustomed with the old way of doing things. Slowly and patiently explain to her and prove to her if your decisions can also be counted or in fact better.

In Dhamma, the Dhamma sets the rules. If both you & your mother are following the Buddhist teachings, you should be in agreement.

This is was said by the Lord… Bhikkhus, these three kinds of sons are found existing in the world. What three? The superior kind, the similar kind, and the inferior kind. Iti 74

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But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one’s mother & father. AN 2.32