Is this sexual misconduct?
score:6
The Noble Eightfold path comprises three practices: wisdom, ethics and immersion. It takes wisdom to ask about ethics. A good source of ethics is MN8. In particular, some of the following considerations may or may not apply. You would know best:
It may be cruel to continue distressing this woman:
MN8:12.2: ‘Others will be cruel, but here we will not be cruel.’
Love is synonymous with care and nurture. Is she feeling cared and nurtured by you?
MN8:12.6: ‘Others will lie, but here we will not lie.’
Love is often confounded with lust. Is there a degree of covetousness here?
MN8:12.10: ‘Others will be covetous, but here we will not be covetous.’
The stated perspective of status imbalance is concerning. The danger to be wary of here is a perceived disparity of value. The Buddha spoke with open heart to all castes:
MN8:12.28: ‘Others will be contemptuous, but here we will be without contempt.’
MN8:12.34: ‘Others will be arrogant, but here we will not be arrogant.’
There may be a difference of understanding regarding the meaning of the word, "love". To not discuss definitions might be construed as deceitful. Some people understand "love" as "I crave you". Others understand "love" as "I am grateful for and open to you". You don't need to explain the why of your feelings, but perhaps a simple discussion about what "love" means to you might be an act of love and compassion that would explain why you are rejoicing in her and thereby give her equanimity.
MN8:12.32: ‘Others will be deceitful, but here we will not be deceitful.’
In most societies, a declaration of love involves expectations. What are the expectations here? The Buddha lived without expectation. His love was limitless.
MN8:12.40: ‘Others will be imprudent, but here we will be prudent.’
May you both find peace.
Upvote:1
Strictly, according to the Pali suttas, "sexual misconduct" seems to have two meanings.
For lay people it means having sexual relations with someone you shouldn't -- typically with members of other people's families, e.g. their spouses or children.
Some modern Buddhist societies (e.g. in Thailand) appear to allow married men to hire prostitutes.
For ordained people it means sexual relations period, i.e. all sexual relations are misconduct.
Lying or "false speech" might have a strict definition too, it's something like ...
- Intending to deceive
- Acting on that intent
... so speaking to deceive is false speech, and keeping silent in order to deceive is not.
The statement "I love you" might be meant to deceive -- for example if it's intended to be understood as a promise which you don't intend to keep.
Still the fact that something doesn't technically break a precept doesn't IMO imply it's ethical, nor wise. I guess there's no explicit precept against hitting or intimidating people, for example, but I don't think of that as moral.
A lot of what you say in the question sounds disturbing to me: i.e. saying that someone is "far below you"; being unclear about your personal boundaries when you have a fiancé (or is she a fiancée); and maybe making life more difficult for someone who you say is already "mentally ill".
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