Lust arises every time I am alone

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Accepted answer

lets me to wrong websites

When I quit smoking cigarettes, one of the techniques I used was to make it more difficult for me to have a cigarette.

For example, if I owned a packet of cigarettes, and the craving occurred, then it was easy for me to have one and I did.

One technique for making that more difficult was to not have a packet of cigarettes. So when the craving occurred, I didn't have one available, and to get one I would have had to walk to the shop etc. That walk (which would have lasted many minutes) gave me time to rethink my craving, or enough time for the craving to go away. It was more of an effort, and gross motor rather than fine motor activity. Although I could not control whether the craving arose, however I could control whether I acted on it or gave into it: I could decide or remember that there was a reason (that I had had a reason) why I didn't own any cigarettes, and I was able to decide not to put my coat on and go outside and walk to the shop and buy more and smoke more and continue that cycle.

There were some times, while I first quit, when I literally couldn't think about anything else except for wanting to have a cigarette, and (having decided not to go to the shop and buy some) I just had to stand there and wait for that craving to pass and for a next thought about something/anything other than that to arise.

So if you want to stop visiting some web sites, perhaps you can do the same, i.e. ensure that those web sites aren't easily available to you: for example install or enable "parental control" software on your computer, or edit the etc\hosts file (see e.g. here and here) to make the site unreachable from your computer. It's true that if you change your mind, if you decide that want to access the web site, then you can undo whatever you did to block the site ... but the fact that you need to undo/unblock it makes it a little bit harder, and acts to remind you that you had blocked it for a good reason.

I suspect that's true for most addictions: for example if you're a drug addict, it's easier to quit (and harder to continue) if you decide to move to a different environment where drugs and drug-using fellows don't exist.

In summary you might find it helpful to create a safe/insulated environment (or web browser setup) for yourself where temptation is less available or completely out of reach.

Two other suggestions: one is you might find it useful to log how you use your computer (for example, look at your browser History some times) ... that's on the theory that "you can't manage what you don't measure" so you measure/monitor your use of the web in order to manage it better; the second is that it's not a bad idea to do things with good friends ... they're likely to inspire or lead you towards virtue (e.g. you might think, "he is good and behaves well, I too can do what he does").

These are mechanical/physical suggestions, not just an idea to keep in mind, because you said you you want a practical solution for even when "thoughts come again".

I think you were hoping for an answer which didn't "sound very theoretical"; but you might wonder how this answer related to Buddhism.

Firstly, when I wrote the answer I was reminded of this topic: “Guard the sense doors”- What does this mean, and what is it's application?. That topic include, for example:

Guarding the sense doors is a way of protecting ourselves from being overcome by passion for the sensed object (which leads to dukkha). In his video Yuttadhammo mentions three ways to do this.

  1. Physically avoiding the object (in relation to your example, when on alms round monks may keep their eyes facing down to avoid lust from seeing a beautiful woman).

So a mechanism which physically "hides your eyes", puts a barrier in place, might be an effective solution.

Secondly, there's a Buddhist doctrine of the "Twelve Nidanas", which teaches that what you think and feel and become attached to is conditioned by your senses, and specifically by contact between the sense-organ (eye) and sense-object (web site on a computer screen). Again that suggested that if you can't control your thoughts and attachments (which are conditioned by or which arise as a result of contact), perhaps you can control whether there's contact (again, by putting more of a barrier or filter between the sense-organ and sense-object).

Thirdly, Buddhist often choose or recommend seclusion or "a retreat": to avoid distraction etc. You might want to adopt a similar attitude -- especially on Uposatha days.

Lastly I'm reminded of this sutta, which describes how to overcome torpor -- not the details of it, but the strategy, the structure: "Do this: maybe this will work. But if doing this doesn't work, then do that. And if doing that does work, then ... and if that doesn't work, then ..." and so on, 7 or 8 different methods. So, whatever you previously tried (e.g. contemplating the body as a Bag of Bones), if that was too theoretical, then try something else!

Back to my personal experience, my experience is that it might be easier to control your (my) behaviour than thoughts: thoughts happen (uncontrolled) but you may be able to control (or decide to not act on) your reaction subsequent to those thoughts. Similarly it may be easier to control large movements of body over a longer time period (e.g. do you or don't you go for a walk) than small (hand or face) movements which you might do without much thought.

You're right though, it's kind of alarming to discover that you "can't control yourself". Buddhism sort of warns you about that, saying for example, "don't call thoughts my 'self' because if they were my 'self' then I'd be able to control them". Still it is possible to change, to learn to change, a habit (habitual behaviour).

Upvote:0

Formal, yet maybe not possible for lay people, but the root is the same

Then Ven. Upāli[1] went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As he was sitting there he said to the Blessed One, “Lord, I want to spend time in isolated wilderness & forest lodgings.”

“Upāli, it’s not easy to endure isolated wilderness & forest lodgings. It’s not easy to maintain seclusion, not easy to enjoy being alone. The forests, as it were, plunder the mind of a monk who has not gained concentration. Whoever would say, ‘I, without having gained concentration, will spend time in isolated wilderness & forest lodgings,’ of him it can be expected that he will sink to the bottom or float away.

“"Imagine, Upāli, a great freshwater lake...

[See, read, link]

“What do you think, Upāḷi? Isn’t this dwelling more excellent than the earlier dwellings, and more refined?”

“Yes, lord.”

“It’s when seeing this quality within themselves that my disciples spend time in isolated wilderness & forest lodgings, and they dwell having attained their true aim.

“Please, Upāḷi, live with the Saṅgha. Living with the Saṅgha, you will have ease.” (Upāli Sutta: To Upāli)

[Note: This is a gift of Dhamma, not meant for commercial purpose or other kinds of low wordily gains by means of trade and exchange]

Upvote:0

"When a monk's fermentations that should be abandoned by seeing have been abandoned by seeing, his fermentations that should be abandoned by restraining have been abandoned by restraining, his fermentations that should be abandoned by using have been abandoned by using, his fermentations that should be abandoned by tolerating have been abandoned by tolerating, his fermentations that should be abandoned by avoiding have been abandoned by avoiding, his fermentations that should be abandoned by dispelling have been abandoned by dispelling, his fermentations that should be abandoned by developing have been abandoned by developing, then he is called a monk who dwells restrained with the restraint of all the fermentations. He has severed craving, thrown off the fetters, and — through the right penetration of conceit — has made an end of suffering & stress."

That is what the Blessed One said. Gratified, the monks delighted in the Blessed One's words. - Sabbasava Sutta

As you can see this sutta talk about different methods.

Please also focus on developing new skillful qualities sometimes we neglect it.

Upvote:1 

When I started vipassana with my room mate and we both meditate
peacefully, but now he left and I am alone,

This looks like that parting with the a loved one has cases some stress. This manifests when meditation also and making your practice less peaceful.

When thoughts arise about your roommate these thoughts can be about the past, present and future involving oneself and the other person. This leads to craving. In total there are 108 such motivation of craving. (Vicarita) Tanha Sutta In this case the thought pattern is becuase of my room mate I am happy.

Craving is dependent on sensation. So take a moment to scan the body from head to foot looking at the sensation that arise. If distractions arise see what sensations these bring. A happy memory pops up there is sensation in both body and mind. Look at the mental sensation and how this has a knock on effect on the bodily sensations. Sometimes it might be bodily pain arises. Have a close look at this sensation analysing dividing and dissecting it. (Totality of awareness see this answer.) Look at the mental reaction to it. Similarly if you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, think do the same.

In the Bhadraka Sutta, the Buddha explains the origin of suffering by giving illuminating examples. The village headman Bhadraka wants to know the cause of suffering that afflicts mankind. In reply, the Buddha asks him to think of his son and imagine that his son is meeting with unexpected misfortunes, or getting arrested by the king’s order or facing a severe punishment. Bhadraka imagines as he is told and finds that such thoughts give rise to sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, grief and despair in him. When he imagines a stranger to be placed in a similar situation, facing similar predicament, he finds that he is not troubled at all with any mental agony. He explains to the Buddha that the difference in his mental reaction to the two situations lies in the fact that he loves his son with a parent’s love and is very fond of his son, whereas he has no such feeling towards the stranger.

Next the Buddha asks him if any love, passion or desire arises in him before he meets or sees or hears about the woman who has become his wife. Bhadraka replies that only when he meets, sees and hears about her that does he develop passion and attachment towards his wife. When the Buddha asks him further whether he will suffer from sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, grief, despair, if anything untoward happens to his wife, he confesses that he will suffer more than these agonies; he might even lose his life through intense suffering.

The Buddha points out then that the root cause of suffering in the world is craving, greed, passion and desire that engulf mankind. It has been so in the past, as it is now , and so it will be in the future.

Essence of Tipitaka by U Ko Lay

The takeaway from this is if you are attached to someone suffering follows. So let go by being equanimous and looking at all experiences as impermanent. [Pahāna Sutta, Avijja Pahana Sutta 2] Initially look at impermanence at a gross level. A sad through about companion ship as arisen. Not it is gone. This body pain has stated. No it is gone. As times goes try to look at them more closely. These through create both pleasure and pain, see this answer and this answer for detail.

living with another person will stop my mind, but i think 
that is not a solution as thoughts can again come when I am alone

Generally you should try to develop solitude.

PHYSICAL SOLITUDE. Possessing this aggregate of noble moral virtue, this aggregate of noble sense-restraint, this aggregate of noble mindfulness and full awareness, and this aggregate of noble contentment, he resorts to a secluded dwelling: a forest, the foot of a tree, a mountain, a gully [gorge], a hillside cave, a cemetery, a remote forest [jungle grove], the open air, a heap of straw. Returning from his almsround, after his meal, he sits down, crosses his legs, keeps his body erect, and establishes mindfulness before him.

MENTAL SOLITUDE. (1) Abandoning covetousness with regard to the world, he dwells with a mind devoid of covetousness. He cleanses his mind of covetousness. (2) Abandoning ill will and anger, he dwells with a mind devoid of ill will, sympathetic with the welfare of all living beings. He cleanses his mind of ill will and anger. (3) Abandoning sloth and torpor, he dwells with a mind devoid of sloth and torpor, mindful, alert, perceiving light. He cleanses his mind of sloth and torpor. (4) Abandoning restlessness and worry, he dwells undisturbed, his mind inwardly stilled. He cleanses his mind of restlessness and worry. (5) Abandoning spiritual doubt, he dwells having crossed over doubt, with no perplexity with regard to wholesome mental states. He cleanses his mind of doubt.

Sāmanna,phala Sutta

Also see Viveka,nissita by Piya Tan

Also try to understand the case of your thoughts about lonelyness and try to stop them:

MIND-BASED PROLIFERATION

Avuso, dependent on the mind and mind-object, mind-consciousness arises.

The meeting of the three is contact.

With contact as condition, there is feeling.

What one feels, one perceives.

What one perceives, one thinks about.

What one thinks about, one mentally proliferates.

From that as source, proliferation of conception and perception assails a person regarding past, future and present mind-objects cognizable through the mind.

Madhu,piṇḍika Sutta

The main point there is once you cognise you know (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral sensation - Dhātu Vibhaṅga Sutta) followed by perceive something you give a evaluation as good, bad or neutral which is followed by sensation of pleasure, pint or neutral followed by a mental reaction of craving, aversion or ignorance. Train yourself to see the evaluation / judgement given and the sensations that arise so your mental reaction does not arise. When you cognise you feel some pain but bulk of the pain is when you perceive. Since the perceptual level evaluation is mental this can be also seen as being hit by two bullets in the spirit of Sallatha Sutta.

Upvote:2

The cause of lust is ignorance. The suttas state:

The Blessed One said, "Monks, ignorance is the leader in the attainment of unskillful qualities, followed by lack of conscience & lack of concern. In an unknowledgeable person, immersed in ignorance, wrong view arises. In one of wrong view, wrong resolve arises. In one of wrong resolve, wrong speech... In one of wrong speech, wrong action... In one of wrong action, wrong livelihood... In one of wrong livelihood, wrong effort... In one of wrong effort, wrong mindfulness... In one of wrong mindfulness, wrong concentration arises."

Avijja Sutta: Ignorance

When I was a boy, there was a very beautiful girl at our school. Later, she became a model & posed in p**nographic magazines. A few years later, she committed suicide.

When I worked in a meditation centre in Asia, I met a beautiful European teenage girl who worked as a prostitute making lots of money. She had many problems in Asia and was brought to the meditation centre by a lady. She never stopped crying during the meditation retreat & when she returned home to Europe, she was put into a psychiatric hospital.

I also met another young lady who worked in p**nography. I was was very nice to her and she became obsessed with me & would not leave. The nuns in the monastery had to take her to the airport and send her home to Europe. It was as though no man has ever loved her in her life.

I can tell many other stories like this from my life experience.

Metta-karuna (loving-kindness, compassion & non-harming) is the best way to overcome lust.

It is 'ignorance' that goes to wrong websites because ignorance has the wrong view that the people on those websites are doing pleasurable things that bring happiness. In reality, the prostitutes & performers on those wrong websites, particularly the women, are suffering. Many are addicted to drugs & alcohol. Many of these women & men have committed suicide or died of drug overdose & sexually transmitted diseases.

The woeful states taught by the Buddha of animal realm (immorality; ignorance), hungry ghost (craving addiction) & hell (suffering & torment) do not necessarily exist after death. These woeful states exist in the here-&-now.

The victory that can occur is over 'ignorance' ('not-knowing'; 'wrong view').

Upvote:2

Offer a direct and an answer based on economy/profit & loss: every time you let lust take over yourself, you lose your vital energy/ life force.

When humans are born in this world, they take with them the amount of life force in full, over the time, this life force burning up bits by bits, until it's depleted a human dies. The most activity that consumed the most of energy is related to lust. That's why the highest of the energy release could produce another life: offspring.

When a thought of lust arose, it triggers the pituitary, this comes along the path down through the spine, to the bottom of the body its reproduction system. When this life force is in it's original form, it doesn't take a form, the Ancient Chinese called "Shen" (神), when it takes the form of energy, its called "Qi" (氣/炁) (maybe call "Prana" by the Brahmanic/Vedic?), when it becomes the material our worldly method could measure, called "Jing" (精). That's why the s*m*n is called "Jing Ye", namely, the liquidized Jing.

Now you know that every time there lust arises, you lose your energy. You don't want to waste your energy on something unproductive, something that actually is taking out to spend from your "Life Bank", right? The media promoting sex and lust for health, for wealth, or for any god-knows-goodies are lying, stealing your life force so that they converted it into the money, i.e., they ripped off your life force so that they become more powerful. (Yeah, the cosmos when it's in form, it's about the consuming of the non-Me, so that the strong one will become the dominate. This is playing out in the galactic systems, star systems, black hole and supernova... etc.. The Act of Devouring is not just on the level of Eating.)

That's why Buddha given the rules to the Bhukikus one is of celibacy, this not only for leading a pristine life, it helps to reserve the life force, in turn this life force will be all directed to enlightenment. Enlightenment also needs the fuel of life force/ energy, meditation in it's lotus prose (cross-legs) is the best way to preserve, re-direct, re-generate this life force.

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