Perfectionism in Meditation
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I can only recommend looking up Ajahn Jayasaro's Dhamma talks. Some videos on meditation & wholesoms intentions.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rTuBCCPJDWE
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=B5MNnxLmKe0
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VoWjDEmIO6k
As you will notice, he explicitly points out that Buddhism is not just meditation. Buddhism is a holistic training, where Conduct (Sila) & what you are doing outside of the meditation cushion, shouldn't be neglected.
Ironically, I am now anxious in doing this meditation (i.e. I skip some) because I feel I might not recreate the same quality as before.
I can only recommend to be aware of ideas with "should", "must", "got to" etc. Usually we're not conscious of these rigid rules, but by seeing our thoughts (which are largely spawned by these rules), we can clearly see that every extreme emotions has a rigid "must". This is craving.
If "I must feel pleasant feelings in the next meditation session" doesn't happen, people often evaluate this as awful, that is, they think this is 100% bad &/or they say that THEY CANNOT STAND IT, but they can stand it if they are being honest with themselves, although it being a struggle.
You better stick to an attitude such as: "I would like to experience pleasant feelings, but it doesn't have to be the way I want. I can live perfectly without it".
Also, have an attitude of learning (from experiences). Meaning, see feelings and thoughts as transient phenomena.
Upvote:1
The perfectionism is required to attain Jhana.
The anxiety/worry can be ceased by the memory and understanding in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 9th, and 14th(15th,16th,17th) of the path of purification. In short, the professor of Jhana at Pa-Auk can advise you.
People often worry about what they don't proficiently know the way to manage. It's called Vicikiccha and Uddhacca hindrances.
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