How should one reconcile a wrong against another person?

The usual text for reconciliation is found in Matthew 18¹:

If your brother sins against you, 
   go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. 
   If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 
   But if he does not listen, 
       take one or two others along with you, 
       that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.            
       If he refuses to listen to them, 
          tell it to the church. 
          And if he refuses to listen even to the church, 
              let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 

—Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV)²

Initially, it might seem like this is addressing the opposite question: "What do Christians do when someone wrongs them?" But there's a little bit of psychology behind it: we hardly ever know we've wronged someone until we are confronted. In addition, there's hardly ever an innocent party. Usually, when one person wrongs another, both sides have made missteps along the way. Before trying to make things right, you gotta know what has gone wrong. The only way to do that is to start up the dialogue between the two parties.

The real problem, when it comes to your question, is that this passage seems to be in the context of "church discipline". In other words, it only applies to your "brothers in Christ"³. It sure doesn't make sense to drag a non-Christian to you church in order to pull them through a process they have no reason to follow or care about.⁴ None of the "escalation" steps make sense, unless both sides can agree on a set of authorities with which to submit.

The first step seems pretty universal, however, so what does Jesus add to the conversation?

It's the principle of the thing

Generally people think of the last line ("let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector") to be equivalent to excommunication. That may be, but Jesus' hearers might very well have linked it to one of Jesus' other sayings:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.—Matthew 5:43-48 (ESV)

In other words, the principle is to try to reconcile with a fellow Christian, but if you can't get through to them, love them anyway. This isn't just thinking nice thoughts about a person. Rather, there's lots of practical advice in Matthew 5-7 such as going the extra mile, being submissive to those who take advantage of you, and so on. It seems like the Christian obligation to non-believers is greater than to believers, if anything.

You see, Jesus taught that the Kingdom of Heaven was coming. Unlike any other kingdom, God's Kingdom belongs to those who bear His image, not just people from one ethnic group or culture. Jesus' reconciliation agenda is far more than bringing a temporary peace between nations and people. It's a reconciliation of shalom between God and His creation, which means there can be no limit to how far Christians must go to right a wrong. So a personal apology might be enough. Or it might mean going a lot further.⁵

We can't reconcile...

Now you might be thinking, "If Christianity is supposed to be about uniting people under the banner of God, why is the church so divided?" It's a question I myself struggle with. Further, why can't we resolve the tension in the Middle East? Why have Christians been at the forefront of bigotry at times? Why is there no statistical difference in divorce rate among Christians and non-Christians in the United States? Well, there are many reasons, but ultimately we fail because we can't truly enact reconciliation. Only God can.

We put our hope in Jesus—we have none other.

Footnotes:

1. In some Christian circles, the chapter has become a trope. As in:

   Joe: You'll never believe what Elizabeth said to me the other day!

   Mary: Is this a Matthew 18 thing?

   Joe: Nah. It isn't anything sinful or whatever.

   (I'll leave it up to you to decide if Joe and Mary are guilty of gossip or not.)

2. The indentation is my own invention. It's essentially a scripted processes. Amazingly, people still manage to screw it up.

3. Or sisters. The Greek is masculine, but I can't think of anyone who claims that it applies to men only. Perhaps a better translation (as suggested by the NET Bible) is "fellow believer".

4. From personal experience, it's also a waste of time to follow the process very far with someone from a different congregation. Usually they won't be interested in your local church's discipline.

5. When researching the Christian view of reconciliation, I found this wonderful comic [PDF] about the Fellowship of Reconciliation (FOR), Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and the Montgomery bus boycott.

The first principle is that we should recognize the way we treat our neighbor is evidence of our feelings towards God. Therefore we should try and do what we can to obtain forgiveness from our neighbor before boasting about our religious virtues:

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24, NIV)

The next principle is to recognize that even when you try to seek peace with your neighbor, it will not always be granted. In deed, your neighbor who is offended might be the greater offender. He who is angry without proper cause stands on the same level with the murderer (1 John 3:15). The main issue then is to remember sin is ultimately against God and his laws, not against man. Therefore although we seek restitution with men, sometime obtaining it, afterwards our confession is only to God who does grant full pardon if confessed by faith. This principle is well displayed in David's confession of murder and adultery. What did David finally say about his sin?

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight (Psalms 51:4, ESV)

With respect to the messy matter of 'restitution' to those truly offended by a sin, the law prescribing restitution plus 5% ( Number Ch 5:5) is certainly a good principle arguably upheld the command to love our neighbor.

However in practice there are some variables to consider that makes the application complex. If trying to set things straight with an offended person over a criminal offense and they do forgive and also agree their is no point in confessing to the police, should you still try and 'make it right' with the law? The answer is not necessarily clear. If you did the crime years ago and can't find the person offended, what can you do? If the attempt to seek amends further hurts the offended, what to do? For example should a husband come home every day and try to recall anyone he may have briefly lusted over and apologize? Would this help the marriage or hurt his wife?

The particular situation calls for wisdom. Confession in itself is not a virtue but the desire to restore a harm committed is. For serious matters we should be careful to seek restitution but also careful not to let an overly sensitive conscience ruin a life over something that can't be really amended for, no matter how hard one might try the outcome might only bring further harm.

Conclusion: Ensuring we daily forgive others as we confess our own sins (Luke 11:4) and letting love cover a multitude of daily sins between each other (1 Peter 4:8) is an even greater principle rising higher than the legal elements of the equation. However among a family when someone is harmed seeking restitution is an important part of continuing in family relations. This applies to the family in the church and the family of humanity in the site of God.