Need some pointers about the current phase
score:5
Good story. Maybe a bit too focused on your life (almost no mentions of other people) – but good nevertheless. My overall impression can be summarized with this allegory:
Imagine, Mowgli always wanted to be a human, despite his upbringing as a wolf. After much struggle and hesitation, he accepts his own human-nature and gets up to walk on his two feet.
Now, here is what happens: When he walks into a human house he has no idea what all that stuff is around him. He does not know how to sit on a chair, how to eat at a table, or how to use toilet. He is completely wild, untrained. Even though he is an adult man, he needs to go through a basic training, starting from scratch like a child.
This is the situation with you. You got into the house through the back door. You can walk on your two feet. By "walking on two feet" I refer specifically to your state of non-judgmental effortlessness. But, at the same time, you have no idea who you are, what you are, where you should go, and what you should do. Now you must learn all that. However (to continue my funny allegory) because most training was designed for "Mowglies who are sure they are wolves", it assumes you still "walk on all fours" – correspondingly much of the teaching and instructions speak about "taking the weight off your front paws" etc. – the kind of stuff you have already mastered. At the same time, the teachings have other elements that you need to get, for example the idea that you don't have a "tail" (standing in for the subject/object duality).
Without overstretching my analogy, let me just tell you that your best bet at this point would be to go into Dzogchen. This is a sub-school within the Nyingma school of Tibetan Buddhism (yes, Tibetan – I hope you don't have ethnic prejudices at this point already; if you still do, perhaps we should go down a few levels)... that focuses specifically on what I referred to as "walking" and that you have already learned how to do, more or less. There I think you will both feel at home AND learn a bunch of other things that you skipped by walking in through that "back door". If Osho is high-school-level, and regular Buddhism is college - Dzogchen is like a PhD.
This is as much advice as I can give because of the distance. I suggest you look around for a couple of years until you find a suitable Dzogchen master. There should be some in Northern India. Finding a teacher is not an easy problem, but if you have faith and know the key word (which I just taught you: Dzogchen) – you can find what you need. Good luck.
P.S. Everything you said above, about not becoming, not clinging, all your experiences make sense to me. They are good and they are indications of a realization. On one hand, you don't need anything more – just live like this, keep trusting it, and let it unfold naturally by itself. On the other hand, because you don't have conceptual understanding of Enlightenment, the seeds of ignorance are still there. As you keep interacting with the world of people, they will regrow. Which is why I say you need to get conceptual understanding of how everything works. I understand to you it sounds like going back but, trust me, you need it. For one, resistance against going back indicates clinging to this realization of yours. For two, if you don't get a conceptual foundation, you'll lose it anyway.
Upvote:1
Andrei has given you the best answer but alternately I will also suggest you to read the book, 'Mindfulness, Bliss and Beyond' by Ajahn Brahm.
You will learn the technique to enter into Jhanas. May be you already experienced one of them but its from the Jhanas we experience No-Self & No-Doer the first time which is a strong reassurance. Then we proceed to something real and lasting that is Enlightenment since Jhanas are unsustainable.
Upvote:1
My teacher would say: Don't make more out of it than it is. It's just experience (seeing, hearing, thinking, and so on). It has nothing to do with nibbana. Just keep objectively observing.
Upvote:2
Today I feel certain energy in head moving towards chest, from guts to the chest. A constant under current. I can feel lag while I walk, like the body is following me or visa versa. It seems like mind is far away, like you can see monsoon cloud pouring far away on a plains.
The question: What do I do? Do I stay witness?
Yes. Stay witness. Whatever happens with internal mental/physical/energetic experience; stay witness. The freedom or liberation of Dhamma is staying witness; without attachment & without clinging.
Also, if you can find a monastery with experienced practitioners, this can help the mind to stay grounded and learn how to live with other people in a spiritual state of mind.
Upvote:2
I read most of what you wrote. Not every word, but I am really impressed that you found Goenka. Was he the instructor? You must really have very good karma, to be rejected by the Osho group. The Sufi Dancers are o.k. , but from my experience, in Northern California, they were some drug dealers acting as teachers. I think Dzogchen is worth the time, but I really want you to get grounded. I suggest very gentle yoga. My main point is, spiritual skill and awakening, come more from genuine effort done over a very long period of time. Here is my formula. Relaxation conjoined with awareness, when developed can lead to clarity. This clarity, when used appropriately, can lead to wisdom, and compassion. The entire idea is there must be mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health. About having many thoughts ... that is not a problem. you must unify body and mind. This includes the emotions. Mostly, you must have a group and a teacher that you can relax with and feel respect and admiration for. You must feel accepted. Of course, there are rules of conduct. True friendship is very rare, but goodwill is not rare. One of my teachers gave a talk on finding and picking a Guru. He was a Nyimapa Master. In short, he said taking every 13 years was not too long to decide on working with one main teacher. I never made progress until I realized that I must totally accept my current situation, within my meditation practice. The point that needs to be understood, is that total acceptance, first, then working with the actual experience one is having, but applying the instructions of your teacher. I recommend a teacher Ajhan Jeoff at Metta Forest Monastery, in San Diego County. On Youtube, you can see and listen to a great Sufi, Guru Bawa Mahyadyin. He told someone, who asked about Sufi Dancing, He told the questioner that Sufi dancing, is just dancing, not spiritual. Even though Guru Bawa was not a Buddhist, to me he taught the True Dharma all the time. He had no books, and he lived to be over 100 years old. He ever said once that Dharma is greater than Alla. Even without enlightenment, if you practice correctly, you can find true peace and happiness, by proper concentration based on these four foundations. I really recommend finding a teacher, and not trying to practice just from reading the sutta.https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanasatta/wheel019.html, copy and paste to read this Sutta. I really recommend practicing the Brahma Vihara. Loving-kindness, compassion, Unselfish Joy and equanimity. You must realize that the words are not the experience. You can learn to feel all these higher order qualities within yourself for yourself. Please have a very good life. Don't go crazy. Be happy. Feeling the pain, within one's own life is normal. The better you are at actually feeling the actual pain and dissolving the suffering. Some pains cannot be dissolved. Therefore we need the great strength of character. I don't have all the answers, but you should never give up to find true enlightenment, which I have explained before, has very strong components of mental health, emotional health, and a stress-free physical body. In short, don't try to practice by using your intellect as the main focus and starting point. You have to understand your teachers' advice on what practice they are telling you to do. Try doing the practice, accepting your actual conditions. Tell the teacher your experience, and listen to what they say. Awakening is a lot different, then we imagine, but complete and total awakening must be wonderful. I believe in the Buddha, his teaching and the Real awakened disciples, who show the Dharma in every step, every breath and every moment.
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