Narcissism insights in Buddhism

About the life of a monk, the suttas say:

'My behavior should be different [from that of householders]; a person gone forth should often reflect on this.

AN 10.48

While we ourselves are not monks & nuns, the same principles applies to Buddhist practitioners, in relation to a world that has grown immeasurably in recent decades in terms of narcissism, due to greed, materialism, sensuality & political correctness (i.e. unreflective sheepish conformity to corporate/media expectations). It is wise we perceive our own life to be different to the average non-Buddhist or non-religious layperson. This means we learn to live our own life, according to our own principles, and not get caught up in any unwholesome ways of the ordinary world.

In Buddhism, we try to determine where we live, where we work & who we associate with to make these things more suitable for the pratice of Dhamma and to avoid social conflict. Refer to Snp 2.4 & DN 31. In short, Dhammapada 302 says: "Suffering comes from association with unequals".

About narcissism, specifically, one sutta says:

Who has not tamed all vain conceits,

Who lacks in wisdom, uncontrolled,

Heedless, in the woods may dwell alone,

Yet will not escape the realm of Death.

SN 1.9

The realm of Death is the realm of heedlessness & suffering. The word 'Death' here does not mean 'physical death' but means 'internal despair'.

21. Heedfulness is the path to the Deathless. Heedlessness is the path to death. The heedful die not. The heedless are as if dead already.

22. Realizing that this body is like froth, penetrating its mirage-like nature, and plucking out Mara's flower-tipped arrows of sensuality, go beyond sight of the King of Death!

23. As a mighty flood sweeps away the sleeping village, so death carries away the person of distracted mind who only plucks the flowers (of sensual pleasure).

24. The Destroyer brings under his sway the person of distracted mind who, insatiate in sense desires, only plucks the flowers (of sensual pleasure).

Dhammapada

The Buddha said to us:

337. This I say to you: Good luck to all assembled here! Dig up the root of craving, like one in search of the fragrant root of the birana grass. Let not Mara crush you again and again, as a flood crushes a reed.

Dhammapada

We should do our best to understand & practice Dhamma; and not get too involved or caught up in the world around us that is growing more day by day in unwholesomeness, insanity & conflict.

In Traits, AN 4.192, a personal identity (i.e. our self-image) is a result of living in a society. And the consequence is that we are swept away by gain and loss, fame and disgrace, praise and blame, pleasure and pain.

Once, we have an identity view, we will want to do whatever necessary to defend and build on it. Anything that threatens our identity/image/esteem is clear and present danger. Anything that can assuage and boost our self-identity is dear and precious. That’s why we surround ourselves with things/activities/people that result in gain, fame, praise and pleasure. Similarly, we avoid and resist things/activities/people that cause loss, disgrace, blame and pain.

To me, therefore, being narcissistic, self-centered and egoistic is a desire arising from having an identity view taken to extremities. It is still about defending and building on our self-esteem, image...our very existence. One way to see this clearly is to look at the opposite, people with extremely low self-esteem i.e. inferiority complex. In such situations, we essentially hate ourselves. We will attack (instead of defending) and tear down (instead of building) this disappointing self. It’s really a malfunctioning situation that I hope no one ever needs to go through. Although I believe at some point in our lives, we go through some episodes when we despise who we are.

But why do some people ended up being narcissistic, self-centered and egoistic while others suffered from chronic feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and inferiority? I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist so the following is based on my observations. I believe it’s partly karma because past karma pre-disposed us towards certain ways of thinking, speaking and behaviour. It’s also partly our choices because of our preferences for certain ways of thinking, speaking and acting which in turn generate new karmic seeds that affects us in the future.

Personally, I learned to just move away from narcissistic, selfish and egoistic people. They have their habits (or preferences) and if they are not willing to change themselves then no external forces can do so for them. One curious thing I observed is that such people seldom admit what is their true desires. I strongly suspect that they may even not be conscious of their true intentions having habitually hidden them so deep within themselves. But desires (and intentions), whether hidden or not, guide our actions in certain directions in order to achieve certain results. Consequently, when such people are questioned on their actions, they are forced to engineer some storylines in order to justify their actions to others. And this really opened up cans of worms.

If we are truthful about our intentions and goals, our innate intelligence can evaluate if certain actions generate certain results that meet our intended goals. If we are not getting the desired results, we can then objectively determine whether there’s something wrong with our actions or goals. Now, imagine these people with their desires/intentions so well hidden from everyone including themselves that this process can no longer happen. I have observed how such people have acted time and again, in ways that is not giving them or others any benefits (but only pain) yet they persist in their harmful behaviour. One example of this behaviour can be seen when Mara tried to disguise its intentions to the Buddha. Such beings, whether humans or not, have lost this innate ability to self-correct which is so sad.

These, I think, are pitfalls with identity view. Feelings of superiority or inferiority, to the point of harming ourselves and others, can happen to anyone at anytime in their lives. Freedom from these dangers can only happen at the state of Arahantship as Venerable Sariputta alluded when he says he do not despise himself. Similarly, Ajahn Chah when questioned on being afraid of very diligent disciples, said, “If we think others are worse or better or the same as us, we go off the curve. If we discriminate, we will only suffer.”

I don’t 100% grok Ajahn Chah’s words but I suspect it is a bit like concentrating in a tennis game. Rather than judging yourself, your opponent and others, you are just with the racket and ball. Giving your all and enjoying the moment, playing for each point regardless of how well or bad you played. In the case of Arhants, they don't need to concentrate on not discriminating themselves or others, it's just effortless.

The self is a tricky concepts in Buddhism. All of us have to deal with it, many are unable to separate from it (to a greater or lesser extent), and some are so absorbed in it that they hardly realize that any selves exist independent of their own self. That last is what we call narcissism.

That being said, the self is a relational concept: the self is a public persona that we present to society, so that others know how we relate to them and how they relate to us. Even though narcissism is a closed persona — all relationships are viewed through the lens of the narcissist's self, and other selves are only acknowledged to the extent that they offer utility/inconvenience or pleasure/displeasure to the narcissist — it's still relational in the sense that narcissists expects everyone to relate to the narcissist in the ways the narcissist dictates. And when you say you have developed 'weak ego' or 'low self-esteem' that two is a relational persona: you have absorbed into a self that gives in the dictates of others.

But it's just a persona. I don't mean to make it sound simplistic — because it isn't — but with practice you'll come to realize that your self is just a public persona that helps you relate to others, and that you ultimately decide how you will relate to others, and thus what that persona looks like. Ultimately, narcissists have a compulsion to be perceived in a particular (self-validating) way, and it's their weakness that they must constantly struggle to force others to validate them in that way. They don't realize they can get that same validation merely by releasing the concept of self — by being authentic — and so they are compelled to find ways to control others. When you can see that (without self-judgement) you can't help but have compassion for it, and when you find that compassion for their struggles they will no longer have the power to dictate their relationship with you. That's when you can start to help them.